...and God created Christina

My husband, my son-in-law and my brother-in-law speak for all men when they say "this is what a woman should look like." My brother-in-law Mike has been known to sprint across a room almost spraining an ankle to view a picture of her in one of my movie magazines. Erica says that Zach takes on an almost holy reverential stare while watching Christina prance across a room in "Mad Men." My husband would simply like to die of suffocation.

Many a kitchen discussion has began with "they can't be real" voiced by the women, followed with an almost shouting sweaty fervent "oh their REAL" from the men.

Men don't mind a little curve and some flesh. Behold Christina.

Girl TV

There is nothing I love more than some really good (and by good I mean bad) girl TV. "The Bachelorette" "The Bachelor" "My Antonio" "Design Star" any Lifetime movie.

For the most part Timothy turns his nose up at my choices in TV, however, the other morning I was watching "Project Runway" on my DVR when he joined me on the sofa.

The following were serious commentary from my gun-toting-four-letter-word-spewing husband:

"I hate that purple."

"Oh, it's been out there before."

"You can't fake that shit."

"I bet they get rid of the prom dress."

"I don't like it."

"She's not creative at all."

I sat silently in stunned amusement, nodding my head in agreement with his very astute comments.

Mid-summer slump

My accu-rite is already reading 100 degrees and it's only 9:00 am, WTF.



I'm sick of reality TV too. (Bachelorette doesn't count, neither does So You Think You Can Dance). They have a new one "Dating In The Dark" how creepy it that. I hate hate hate summer TV.



My mid-summer slump unfortunately is not TV exclusive, poor Fatty has suffered. I haven't brushed him in 2 weeks and he's taken to following me around in the mornings with a plaintive low meowing that makes me feel guiltier than tithing settlement.



I tried contacting Michael Jackson's Dr. Murry to see if I could get some of that drug Propofol so I could sleep until the new Fall Season started. He wouldn't take my call, so until then I'm addicted to "Dexter" and anticipating "Mad Men," thank God for Jon Hamm.



I'm also anticipating our yearly vacation to Cedar City for the Shakespearean Festival. This year will be even better because Caca and Zachito will be riding the long journey with us. Hope the boys won't mind 7 hours of celebrity gossip conversation and topics like why "Step Up 2: The Streets" could never live up to the majesty of the original "Step Up."



The only other thing that has made me laugh heartily, was this: Palin’s Resignation: The Edited Version. Vanity Fair Magazine asked their copy editors to "edit" Sarah's horrific resignation speech.



Anyone else feeling the summer slump?

Disclosure

I have fallen in love and their names are Samsung and DVR.

Behold the glory of my 1 month old 46" LED Samsung lover:


(It's the only thing Griffin has asked me to send him a picture of since he left for Germany..understandably)

I know I'm behind with technology, but this little invention called a DVR has changed my life! Not since the introduction of Mesquite Barbecued Baked Lays have I been in such awe. Touch of a button, record, FF, pause, pause LIVE TV! DVR where have you been all my life? I can't help it, I know my DVR is true and a prophet of God.

The DVR is making me watch things I normally would scoff at. "America's Got Talent" "So You Think You Can Dance" "Wipeout" "Regis and Kelly" it's controlling my usual sense of good taste. Its will is stronger than mine. Erica tried to knock some sense into me when I admitted to watching "America's Got Talent" I believe her exact words were "why are you watching that shit?"

I'm out of control and I don't care. It provides me with 80 usable hours of TV that I can watch without commercial interruption and on my timetable, I ask you, what is better than that? I kneel before it with my humble offerings of burning incense and virgins and ask it to never leave me.

Day 4 of happyness.

These Swiffer commercials kill me and make me smile. This is my favorite, the old broom is trying to woo her back from her new fancy Swiffer. The broom left her a path of rose petals to a romantic hot tub. Watch to the very end, where you will see a very sad broom holding his towel. LOL. LOL.


Here is my 2nd favorite. Mr Mop has a bouquet of flowers delivered.


I spent the better part of my morning watching all of the Swiffer commercials plus a few very funny homemade ones, laughing my ass off.

I also cleaned my laundry room and litter box! My worst chore ever. I was very happy to have accomplished this. Behold.

Better than Christmas

Today is a hallowed day. No no no it's not a birthday, anniversary, holiday, Jewish holiday, caturday, Palm Sunday, Easter Sunday, Superbowl Sunday-- none of those are noteworthy when compared with ACADEMY AWARD SUNDAY. I will await the day with anticipation, for my red carpet hits and misses, horrible acceptance speeches, Angie and Brad, blogging with the Fugs, and most reverently and humbly the outrageously handsome Hugh Jackman will be hosting. I woke last night with drool on my pillow from a dream of him dancing solely for me, serenading me with show tunes and a light tap dance.

























Caca will join me (umm Zach and Tim too I guess) as we fill out our ballots that I have prepared and feast on Hot Tamales, Milk duds and popcorn.

I have chosen "Slumdog" to win, however, I feel "Milk" deserves it. Sean Penn deserves best actor, but Micky R. will probably win (let's hope his speech is understandable), Kate Winlset will and should win (please academy let Meryl slide this time), I won't bore you with the rest of my picks. I would like to hear yours.

Mad Men Addict

Most sections of this story are true.

I was sitting at my laptop looking at Stuff On My Cat, when a wave of perspiration and nausea swept over me, and then it hit me. This was normally the hour I would be watching a new “Mad Men” episode, except that I wasn’t, because I had watched them all. My heartbeat became irregular and my skin was itchy, I ran into Tim’s office and sat across from him, I said “listen to me! This is important. I’m out of Mad Men episodes and I don’t think I am going to make it.” He looked up at me with glazed over eyes. “What I’m going to need from you is simple, I will require that you start wearing fedora hats with feathers and narrow lapelled suits, you will carry a very rectangular briefcase and you will answer to the name Don.” He started to speak , and I held up my hand, “Tim, er Don shut it, now listen, you will come home from work with a nasty bored attitude and perfume all over you, sit down to dinner and completely ignore me, I will hand you your favorite cocktail, the Old Fashioned, and serve you meatloaf.” “Later, you will rise from your seat and go sit in the living room where you will light up your 39th cigarette of the day, at which point I will excuse our black maid and come sit across from you, you will then look up at me over the top of your cocktail, bored, like I’m nothing more than a doormat with a vagina.” Wait… a… second. “Anyway, I will then smash out my own cigarette, blowing smoke out of my nostrils and say I’m going to bed, I will frown at you and stomp up the stairs. I will don a ridiculously lacy nightgown with matching robe.” “You will come in later, light up yet another cigarette, lay on the bed and contemplate you horrific childhood.”

I passed out at this point, and woke up on the sofa with Tim and Fatness looking over me. “Michelle are you oka….”

“What year is it? Where is Peggy, Paul, Joanie, Duck?” “Is JFK president?”

“Stop this! It’s 2009 and we have a new black president.”

“NOOOOO! I need people to be smoking constantly, drinking cocktails at work, and for women to be slaves to their men!” “I need you to slick back your hair and wear Old Spice aftershave!”

Tim grabbed me by my shoulders “listen to me! You made it through the Friday Night Lights hiatus and you will make it through this too.”

“TIM RIGGINS IS NO DON DRAPER! How dare you compare the two.” I said through clenched teeth.

“Michelle settle down,… while you were passed out I called Caca for help, she said to remind you that you still have 2 or 3 episodes of 30 Rock where Jon Hamm is the guest star AND she is bringing over her Mad Men Season 1 box set so you can watch the extras.”

“Oh, I haven’t watched any of the commentaries have I?” It felt like a shot of methadone.

“See, you will be fine.” Tim then sat Fatness on my lap and handed me a fresh Diet Coke with a lemon wedge.

“Can I still call you Don?”

“No.”

Cheeto-Hamm

Cubicle life sucks. Yesterday we had a 30 minute meeting regarding birthday cakes. It came to our attention that unless we can share said birthday cake with the entire department, we shall not bring in any birthday cake. Apparently someone (some pathetic tard) had complained that they hadn't received any cake.

After that, I went home and proceeded to celebrate my awful day with the perfect afternoon.

3 episodes of Mad Men.
1 bag of Cheetos.
Fatness at my side.

After that, I spent the better part of my day pretending I was living in Manhattan and that I was Don Draper's sexatary. We left the office to have cocktails and cigarettes in a dark booth. He told me he was leaving Betts for me. I softly whispered "alright Don" and then I slowly stood up so he could appraise my pencil skirt and heels with his eyes, I gently took his manicured masculine hand and we walked off into the land of skyscrapers with his arm around my waist. End scene.

Tim's Girlfriend

So the other morning I was minding my own business dragging around at 5:00 am preparing to climb into the shower. Tim was also awake which isn't usually the case because he awakens about 2 hours after me. I turn on the t.v. in our bedroom and casually ask over my shoulder "which news station do you want?" and he replies very quickly "channel 36." I turn to channel 36, which is CNN news and ask him "why do you want this station, it's not local?" and without hesitation he says "my girlfriend is on that station." Now he has my attention. I wipe my blurry eyes, rearrange my flannel house pants with snowflakes on them, pat down the pillow hair going in all directions and focus on his "girlfriend."

All of this wouldn't be so interesting except that Tim rarely says things like this, or seems interested in other women. Unlike me, who drools and rolls around on the carpet like a feral cat whenever I see Hugh Jackman on the screen.

So I ask him "who is she?" again, he answers very quickly "Robin Meade." I'm thinking to myself "wow he even knows her name, he can't even name his sister." So I turn my attention back to the t.v. and see this vision:






I state "she isn't even your type, you have always been a blonde man" he yells from the bathroom "she's clean looking." What this means in cop-verbiage is, she doesn't have tats and piercings and doesn't look like a felon or someone that uses intravenous drugs.

As I looked from her to my make-up smeared-over sized T shirt-puffy eyed- image in the dresser mirror it was clear why he enjoyed looking upon her fresh happy face every morning.

I wish Hugh Jackman was a morning news anchor.

LMN

I'm wondering, do other women out there have the same guilty pleasure that I do? It's called "Lifetime Movie Network" where you will find one horrific movie after another, but I find them deliciously horrific. Today's 9:00 viewing "Silencing Mary" stars a 1998 Melissa Joan Hart, football players harass a crusading coed whose roommate was raped by the star quarterback, and the 11:00 hour is "Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life." A 16 yr old struggles with academics and athletics after an acquaintance introduces him to Internet pornography.


They make it easy for us, next to the list of movies they have little pictures with descriptions of "madness" "love/lust" "thrilling" "vengeance" and "justice." These movies are the final resting place for the Kelly McGillis and Justine Bateman's of the world, you know the stars that made it big once and then started aging or lost their box office. I do believe that once a star makes a movie for The Lifetime Channel they have jumped the shark.



I was talking to my brother's boyfriend Denton, when the subject of the Lifetime Channel came up, he became very animated and said to me "OH, one day when Brad was at work and I was at home, I WATCHED THOSE LIFETIME MOVIES ALL DAY LONG...I LOVE THEM!" To which I replied in a very high octave "SO DO I!" and then we proceeded to discuss our admiration for these cinematic marvels.



Tim has come home after work and 'caught' me watching this channel. He will usually walk over by me, look up at the t.v. for a few seconds and then say this "what in the hell are you watching?" Then I reply "an amazing film for women."

Let Them Watch Reruns

I'm pissed. No really. I hate this f-en writers strike, it has forced me to read books I have put aside for years and have meaningful conversations with actual living people, not me yelling at my t.v. screen when Dr. McDreamy considers getting back with anorexic sappy Meredith. I'm actually cooking dinner and really listening to Tim when he is explaining to me how precinct homicide statistics have gone down this quarter. I'm walking around my house taking inventory of what tasks need to be done, like cleaning out Griffin's stinky bedroom that has dusty "Suns" t-shirts hanging in it from the Charles Barkley era. Yesterday, I started cleaning out my laundry room when I stopped in mid-dust bunnies and broke out into a cold sweat, stupidly asking myself "what if the writers never come back?" I fell to my freshly scrubbed floor and started to hyperventilate... "TIM TIM come quick" I croaked. He efficiently took inventory and knew the words that would comfort me. He soothed me back from the cliff, softly whispering things like "there will be a new Grey's Anatomy, Dr. McDreamy is still doing operations and does live." When the color started returning he quickly added "LOST is just around the corner... Sawyer is tanning on the beach and Jack is off crying somewhere" I started to breath again and he gently said "American Idol is showing previews, remember?" I was back.

Give me some "Lost" stat.

I'm sick of reruns and bad TV, I found myself the other night watching "Hey Paula." Has anyone seen this? Like this was going to be the show to redeem herself, she cried through 30 minutes of something about being cancelled and then yelled at her staff for interrupting her crying.

I'm eating my weight in ice cream and soft batch cookies I'm so bored. I don't know what to do with myself, I walk around in circles talking to Fatness in my cat voice (its really high pitched and only he can hear it) then I go into Tim's office and watch him play Solitaire, or "Solitary" as he calls it, then I start flipping through channels, pressing hard on my remote, willing it to find me something good. I've started watching those cop detective shows where the murder was never solved, I'm losing my mind....

I hate the summer.