"Hey you, sitting at your computer wasting time, listen up. I have some revelations. Just because your boyfriend or husband wants you to see Watchmen you don't have to. That giant guy with the color of Michael Jackson's skin and loin cloth is creepy."
"The Bachelor sucked this year. I wanted to staple Melissa's lips together so she would stop moving them around. Jason's kid looked like a spider monkey and Jason cried more than a 13 year old at a Jonas concert. Hey Jason, hows your vagina?"
"I'm not done yet, hey, up here. This Twilight shizz has got to end. Beyonce looked like a cow at the Oscars. Hugh J. is finer than a peach from Carolina.
"Chris B, Rush L, Miley C and Pamela A need to be dumped into a volcano. Rachel Ray needs a muzzle. Cats rule dogs drool. Ellen in Oprah out. Jon Hamm is finer than a beach in Carolina. Ok losers, that's it for now."