Suicide by Letter Opener

I woke up this morning and it started off very wrong. I got on my scale and saw a 2 lb gain and this after trying all my tricks. Fatness was more clingy than usual, and his meowing was a whiny/howl/death spiral of neediness, I curtly told him to leave me alone. My commute started off with my coffee spilling and some hard core cursing, followed with 2 road closures and a woman in an ugly Toyota tailgating me. I was going my usual appropriate 65 MPH and she was obviously late for her “I’m an GD Effing Idiot” seminar.

It’s a day like this when I’m close to stapling myself to death, that I breathe a sigh of relief when I see this in an email subject line: “Indulge me/boredom” and the paragraph begins: “Ok I am developing an unhealthy obsession with The Bachelorette.” Aaaah, an email from my sister.

She is my sanity touchstone, and pop-news sidekick. She saves me from committing felonies and overdosing on Diet Coke and Skittles. Here is a sampling of why I love her emails:

“I hate this effing time of year… I take Abby to swimming lessons and sit and watch her outside and I am a sweatbox by the end. The only upside are the cute jailbait lifeguards who swagger around the pool.”

She listens to me rant about how much I hate John Travolta and his big fat head and his stupid Scientology and the fact that he parks a jetliner at his house and kisses Oprah’s fat ass and then… she agrees with me:

“…John Travolta is gross. He and Nicolas Cage have descended into doing ridiculously stupid movies all the time when they used to be decent actors. I know, John T used to be hot with a capital H.....his head is ginormous.”

Thanks for seeing things my way sis, and spending the better part of your day on the Internet looking for the men from “The Bachelorette.” You have delayed my office-suicide for another day.


Sissy said...

LOLOLOL I thought this post was going to go a whole other direction about my very unhealthy obsessions......

No, YOU are my touchstone with all the crap that cycles through my head all day. It's wonderful having someone who 'gets' my insanity.

John Travolta is a trava-sham-mockery of the hot 70's man he once was. Just sayin'

allicat said...

Major LOL.... sisters really are the best. Mine shares with me a great fondness for old seseme street skits (Wanna buy an N?), lack of any patience with those who would deny gays the same rights the rest of us enjoy, world news and of course commiserating about any of our latest conversations with our dad.....

John Travolta doesn't even look real anymore.... like he's some claymation character.

Chris, take a camera and shap photos of those jail bait boys and then post/blog about them : )

Chris said...

I was totally thinking of doing that....alas, Alex dropped my camera right on the lens and it is no longer functioning. And I am retarded and don't know how to pull pics off my phone.

I am thinking of a blog titled "My boys of summer" featuring the jailbait lifeguards....stay tuned.

Lana Mitzel said...

Just 2 more reasons why I TOTALLY want to be your daughter/sister. We could sit around and make fun of JT & NC! Both of their attempts at finding hair solutions kill me!

BTW: Having read you for quite sometime now, I know your a fan of gossip...*yea! golf claps* BUT, do you read crazy days and nights? There is a Blind Item (LOVE THEM) that I TOTALLY think is Nic Cage! That would be so great! LOL!

I am pathetic. I already know this.

Michelle said...

I have not read Crazy...I will check it out.