6.16.2008

"Is he gay?"

I walked into the beauty salon sat down and waited for my stylist to wrap the plastic drape around me, instead, she whispered “we need your advice on gay men.” I said “ahh what?” “Well you dated a gay man, and your brother is gay, so we have some questions for you.” Yes, I did date a gay man and though I will use the excuse that I was a virginous naïve 19 year old Mormon, the fact that he collected Judy Garland memorabilia and hand crafted his own pair of ruby red shoes for Halloween, escaped me completely. My little post-Mia Maid head wouldn’t compute gay or why he didn’t like kissing. I turned to my stylist, “ok what’s going on?” Whispering again, she pointed to a petite curvy girl who worked the chair next to her , “Sarah finally slept with her boyfriend, and she, well we, think he might be gay.” Yes, they had come to the right person, I would say I have a Masters Degree in gay.

I swiveled around to Sarah and said, “let me ask you some questions first, this will save us some time.” She nodded nervously and put down her scissors. “I need to know how he styles his hair and if he has nice furniture?” “Well, his hair is cut very close and neat, and his furniture is ok.” “Does he have an unhealthy devotion to Madonna, Christina A., or Elton John?” She shook her pretty head “NO.” I pondered my next question, “tell me about the sex.” She hesitated and then said “well this one time I was laying naked on the bed waiting for him, ya know to surprise him…he walked in and saw me and said he was tired.” I held up my hand to stop her “you have been dating for 30 days, you’re young and beautiful, NO STRAIGHT MAN would EVER turn that down, unless he had just somehow chopped off his own head with an axe.” I asked her if this happened very often, she explained that he said he was tired a lot and told her there were “rules to all of this sex stuff.” Again, I stopped her, “ Sarah, the only rules a 25 year old straight male would have is to try and get your pants off as often and early as possible.” My stylist said “see.” I told her this wasn’t looking good. I asked her if there was anything else sort of weird he might have said, she tapped her manicured nail against her chin, “well the other day he mentioned that our friend’s wife had really nice hair, and that he liked it better when she wore it down.”

I told her the verdict was in, “he IS gay.” She looked over at me with big brown sad eyes, “really?” “Absolutely gay, you are wasting your time.”

villagepeople

11 comments:

Chris said...

Poor Sarah. I wish that dude would just come out already before he breaks her heart any further!

LOL, you are such a gay expert. In that situation I think even Mom would know that man is G-A-Y.

call me said...

While doing my own blogging last night I fell upon this story, and although I felt bad for Sarah I laughed heavily. I also liked how you gradually worked your way up to asking about the sex.

Allicat said...

Michelle, you need to reserve that domain name - it actually is available as a .net - and invite readers to post their dataing stories and you will proclaim whether or not he is gay... LOL... you'd probably have a huge hit on your hands!

Michelle said...

How do I reserve it? What a great idea, we could co-own it! You have a Doctorate in Gay.

Chris said...

I think that is an awesome idea, Allison. IsHeGay.com or Gaydar.com would be awesome. Women of the world need your knowledge before they dig themselves in too deep!

allicat said...

I'll buy the doomain name today :)

allicat said...

OK, domain name purchased (but not set up yet)

http://IsHeGay.net

I also bought .org, which will point to .net - unless we want to make it appear like an official orgnaization like AA or soemthing LOL...

When I get a little time I'll set up a blog there so we can get started. Begin working on any introductions or "About me" or "about us" kinds of things to post. Probably some rules - like no real names, we don't want to "out" anyone who isn't ready to be outed... just help prevent the pain of dating them.... and hopefully provide some humor along the way.

We could invite Mike, Ken or my cousing Rob to come be guest commentators or help with particularly tough cases.... LOL...

Maybe we'll be able to turn this into some kind of business together - wouldn't that be a riot? :)

Michelle said...

YES!! I love it, maybe all of our gay-skills will finally be put to some good use.

I imagine there are PLENTY of confused women out there currently dating a gay man.

I like the idea of guest commentators.

EEK said...

Eternal Truths
1) All the problems of the world are solved in the Salon (or over lunch) 2) It is getting progressively harder to identify gay men and easier to identify lesbians 3) Websters needs to add the word "gaydar" to the official list of real words 4) You need a different name for your web-advice blog, like Chellie or Ellioopsa...

Ashley Rae said...

Yes! I love the idea for a website. I think you and my mother both have masters degrees in the "is he gay" division. You two crack me up.

Mirabelle said...

Well written article.