JG

Josh Groban singing the "best" tweets of Kanye West. Perfection.

Hollywood Virtual Makeover

Maybe I found this site this morning and have spent the better part of my day playing with it. Where else can I whiten my teeth and plump my lips and where else can I put myself on the cover of InStyle Magazine as Lady Gaga.

Here are some of my results:

Kate Moss


Nicole Richie with added makeup and teeth whitener.


Sandra Bullock, maybe I should become a brunette.


Fake eyelashes, white teeth, plumper lips, this site is amazing. Now if I could just turn Tim into Hugh Jackman.


Ever wondered what I look like as Emma Stone? Wonder no more.

Ugh

This is unacceptable!

Ms. No Talent Diaz seen here with my beloved Mr. Shue. But I get it, Justin Timbers dropped her skinny arse and Matthew Morrison is the next best thing--basically a grown up Justin T.--

Matthew for the love of Glee, you are better than this.

Tuesday Gaga

I love Lady Gaga, in fact I have worn out the CD Mike Redford burned for me.

University of Oregon's "premiere" male a capella group do Lady Gaga. They sing a medley of songs, all with silly choreography.

Mid-summer slump

My accu-rite is already reading 100 degrees and it's only 9:00 am, WTF.



I'm sick of reality TV too. (Bachelorette doesn't count, neither does So You Think You Can Dance). They have a new one "Dating In The Dark" how creepy it that. I hate hate hate summer TV.



My mid-summer slump unfortunately is not TV exclusive, poor Fatty has suffered. I haven't brushed him in 2 weeks and he's taken to following me around in the mornings with a plaintive low meowing that makes me feel guiltier than tithing settlement.



I tried contacting Michael Jackson's Dr. Murry to see if I could get some of that drug Propofol so I could sleep until the new Fall Season started. He wouldn't take my call, so until then I'm addicted to "Dexter" and anticipating "Mad Men," thank God for Jon Hamm.



I'm also anticipating our yearly vacation to Cedar City for the Shakespearean Festival. This year will be even better because Caca and Zachito will be riding the long journey with us. Hope the boys won't mind 7 hours of celebrity gossip conversation and topics like why "Step Up 2: The Streets" could never live up to the majesty of the original "Step Up."



The only other thing that has made me laugh heartily, was this: Palin’s Resignation: The Edited Version. Vanity Fair Magazine asked their copy editors to "edit" Sarah's horrific resignation speech.



Anyone else feeling the summer slump?

Disclosure

I have fallen in love and their names are Samsung and DVR.

Behold the glory of my 1 month old 46" LED Samsung lover:


(It's the only thing Griffin has asked me to send him a picture of since he left for Germany..understandably)

I know I'm behind with technology, but this little invention called a DVR has changed my life! Not since the introduction of Mesquite Barbecued Baked Lays have I been in such awe. Touch of a button, record, FF, pause, pause LIVE TV! DVR where have you been all my life? I can't help it, I know my DVR is true and a prophet of God.

The DVR is making me watch things I normally would scoff at. "America's Got Talent" "So You Think You Can Dance" "Wipeout" "Regis and Kelly" it's controlling my usual sense of good taste. Its will is stronger than mine. Erica tried to knock some sense into me when I admitted to watching "America's Got Talent" I believe her exact words were "why are you watching that shit?"

I'm out of control and I don't care. It provides me with 80 usable hours of TV that I can watch without commercial interruption and on my timetable, I ask you, what is better than that? I kneel before it with my humble offerings of burning incense and virgins and ask it to never leave me.

Annoyed day 2

Saturday Tim came down with a bad cold. So what did I do? I shared food with him and a drink using the same straw because I never get sick. Right now, my head feels like it is going to combust and someone stuffed 500 Styrofoam peanuts up my nose. Tim instructed me to look up symptoms of the Swine Flu, we have ruled that out for now.

There are certain people among us that I wish I would never hear from or see again in my lifetime.





Could someone push them into a volcano.

Robert Sweatinson

Dear actor who will be playing Edward in Twilight,

Please stop ruining my fantasy image. No need to don a douchie knit cap or a short sleeved shirt with a Men's Warehouse tie.

Please take your obviously baked self and remain away from the cameras. I don't want to hear your English accent either.

Vampires don't sweat.

Love,
Michelle

Just Tuesday

I received this in the post. Isn't she cute? My lifetime giggle-fest friend Alli-Cat sent it to me because she is thoughtful like that.



I saw Eagle Eye this weekend, it was intense and had a completely ridiculous premise but that's beside the point. The point is the film has Shia in it, so what if I'm old enough to be his mother, shut it. I love him.



On Saturday Tim was doing something official and important all day, me? I watched "Extras." I planted my butt on the sofa, cracked open a Diet Coke and laughed my ass off for 3 hours. Then my sister called and we discussed how funny and brilliant the show is.



Look at this Harry Potter costume. No, I will never tire of cats in costumes.



Dear Angie,

This pic doesn't bode well. Shiloh is wearing green Crocs, Pax has something akin to seaweed dangling from his armpits, no one's hair has seen a brush in 3 days and umm Angie your dress is ugly. Please give your uterus a rest, wear something other than black and hem it. Your children look like orphans and carry around bags of Cheetos, but you are still magnificent and I look forward to "The Changeling." xxoo --me

Epic

There is nothing that excites me more than the annual issue of Entertainment Weekly's fall movie preview. There is one movie in particular that I have been anticipating, "Australia" starring Nicole Kidman and the strapping Hugh Jackman. You see, I am a sucka for sweeping epics. It all began when I saw "Gone With The Wind" when I was 16. The first time I watched Scarlett sweeping across the screen in those ball gowns, trying to hate Rhett and love wimpy Ashley Wilkes, I was done. Some movies TRY to be sweeping epics (Pearl Harbor, Troy) but fail, the ones that do it well (Gladiator, Doctor Zhivago, Titanic, Out of Africa) will make you weep.



I know the "Thorn Birds" was a miniseries but to me it was an epic. Watching Meggie and Father Ralph fall in love and then try to fight that illicit love through the years, finally giving into one wonderful weekend and Meggie becoming pregnant....it was my meth. Listen people is there anything better than these period movies? No, there is not.

I hope Baz Luhrmann's "Australia" doesn't let me down.

Dear Russ

Dear Russ,
I must say something. You aren’t hot anymore. I first discovered you in "LA Confidential;" you played an angry cop that blurred the line between good and bad. I watched your handsome conflicted face when you fell in love with a high class hooker and showed her compassion, it was at that point that I inserted myself into your movie, goodbye Kim Basinger, I am taking over your role and Russ will hold me against his chest and kill for me. Russ you chewed the scenery and went sick on the bad guys, I was in love.



I became an incoherent mess of rapture as I watched you in "Gladiator." You were muscled and fierce. When you were sweaty and loaded down with armor fighting for your life in the coliseum I wanted to slay those lions for you, and when you looked up towards the evil Joaquin Phoenix and bellowed “I AM MAXIMUS DECIMUS MERIDIUS!” I slid out of my Harkins Theatre seat and crawled to the isle where I tried to resume some composure and sip my 1$ loyalty refill cup.


My worship was sealed for time and all eternity, when I watched you on the Oprah show explaining to her how you DESIGNED and CONSTRUCTED a chapel in your backyard for me, I mean your wife. You designed this chapel for your marriage and set the colored glass window in the perfect angled spot so that the setting sun would shine its light onto your bride’s wedding dress. I passed out cold. Tim came home and had to revive me with lines from your movies.

I forgave you your bad hair dye job in "Cinderella Man." I killed the anorexic Renee Zelleweger in my mind and placed myself in your soothing triceps of love. I didn’t mind that I had to feed our children boiled turnip soup; I would have given you all the children you wanted and lived on welfare checks and WIC.



Russ, I have tried to divert my eyes away from pictures such as these:


They are coming at me from all sorts of websites, too much, too soon! My Russ does not have a pudgy middle aged waistline and throw ill executed gang signs. STOP please I beg of you, cut and wash your hair and refrain from eating cheeseburgers and wearing Sunday church slacks. For the love of God quit throwing phones and being angry.

Russ I can’t take much more. Your second chin and bad choice of shoes are making me weak. Please God, take this tacky, paparazzi hating Russ away and bring me back my stud ass.

Love,
Michelle

Missionary Position

This is all over the Internet. The creator of the "Men on a Mission Calendar" has been asked by his stake prez to come in for a little chat. I find this whole thing laughable. Leave the guy alone! So what if he made a calendar full of post missionaries, shirtless...gasp. What about the double standard here, why aren't all the "models" being dragged in for questioning as well?

Movie Review

Tim and I have been catching up on movies with NetFlix, which I love so much I would marry. The above movie is one of the best crime dramas I have seen. You will see Marisa Tomei's boobs a lot, but the performances by Ethan Hawke and Philip Seymore H. are AMAZING. This was directed by an 83 yr old Sidney Lumet (stud) and received a 92% from top critics on Rotten Tomatoes. The director starts with the crime and works backwards, the pace keeps you riveted and overly involved. Rent this.

Kissing in the Rain

Yes, I see a lot of movies and thought I would share with you my list of “Things That Only Happen in Movies, Yet are Portrayed as Real Life.”

Turkeys flying through the air during holiday meals.

Long, perfectly worded arguments.

Suddenly breaking into lip syncing at home, using small appliances as microphones and dancing all through the house because that's what housewives with cancer do with their children.

The ultra smart yet ignored, ugly duckling getting the attention of the popular athlete and turning into a swan at the end of the movie with the inevitable slow, close up of her walking down the spiral staircase.

Overly decorated neighborhoods at Halloween and Christmas.

The entire movie of “Pretty Woman” puh-LEEZE.

Children building complex technology or contraptions that enables them to spy on or record their parents, friends or divert silly bad guys who do a lot of pratfalls .

Putting on amateur plays at school, home or church, yet the lighting and sets are Broadway worthy.

Boys showing up at your bedroom window holding a boom box, also trying to convince your dad that his ivy league daughter should end up with his loser ass.

Faces being pushed into food, especially wedding cake. Elaborate scenes in restaurants where there is a hilarious chain reaction of people landing on tables and waiters dropping food.

Twinkle lights everywhere, mainly rooftops where they are trying to impress their dates with waiters and violins—dancing always follows, under said twinkle lights.

Any J-Lo movie, Note to J-Lo please leave us all alone and go back to wherever and take Skeletor with you.

Truckloads of flowers being delivered to one person, in an attempt to make up.

Doing a lot of stuff in the rain.

Dance offs.

Middle name, Joanna.

Dear Jen,

I don't like you. You lost Brad, no surprise there. Let's break it down, you are an insecure horrible actress. Every role you have ever played was some sort of variation of Rachel Green, you tried to become a serious actress when you took the role in “The Good Girl” what a joke, you just frowned more. Is it any wonder that Brad left your A for the mystical goddess Angelina? I ask you? Angie knows where Thailand and Cambodia are on a map. While she is toiling away in these countries passing out vaccines and money to her people and children (yes, Jen the icky ones with flies in their eyes) you are skipping along Malibu beach holding hands with Courtney Cox Arquette and her weird husband discussing whether or not you should go lighter on your highlights.

My Angie is a globetrotting ambassador for the needy, she gave birth for Brad and takes care of 4 children while flying her own plane, she won an academy award without even trying. You, my friend are a hollow woman, the only thing holding you up is Smartwater and your spray on tan. You have a weird shaped jaw line and your hair is the same since you made that huge, scary move to cut it short, then cried for 6 months about it. My Angie sheds tears, yet strangely not over her hair, but the horrible, inexcusable treatment of children all over the world. Please do us all a favor and move to the United Kingdom where your new Brad-look-alike boyfriend resides because you aren’t fit to be Angelina Jolie’s shoehorn.