I'm feeling my mortality more than ever before, and I'm not sure why. I know it all started after the death of my Dad, as I looked down at him in his casket I thought to myself 1. That's not my Dad and 2. I hope he was happy with his life and 3. Where exactly is he right now.
Watching my Mother slowly deteriorate with age and become a widow, subsequently having to leave her home of 30+ years, has scared the holy hell out of me. I figure I have 20 good years left and by good I mean of sound mind and body.
Speaking of body, I hate how one day I will feel great and wake up the next day with what feels like arthritis in my hands. I hate how I will be minding my own business perusing the hand bags in Dillard's and my knee gives out. What is going on here? My shoulder aches at night and I get cold very easily. I woke up last night sitting straight up on the sofa, snoring, in fact a particularly loud snort is what woke me up. I used to think watching my mother in law do this was hysterical.
I don't like being called "Ma'am" by cute fresh faced young men, bagging my groceries or walking me to my table. I hate that noun so much, that I looked it up. It says: short for madam: used as a title of respect, esp for female royalty. Whatever. It means you are too old to be called "Miss" and by the way, the word "Madam" has the word "mad" in it, and that's exactly how I feel.
Here is the picture accompanying the definition:
I would call her frumpy and probably someone who enjoys "The Readers Digest" and likes preserves on her toast.
The other problem with ageing is, it only gets worse. I heard Jane Fonda say something about her 70's being the best time of her life and the best sex of her life, I say that's a load of shit. If my hands, shoulder and knees are already aching at age 48, what awaits me at 68.
My face is slowly falling down around my collar bone and my skin is getting splotchy, and I'm not sure I like being called "Grandma."
Maybe I could start exercising and taking vitamins to ward off the ageing process, or doing crossword puzzles and Sudoku so I don't get Alzheimer's. Does it really matter, I say it doesn't.
Maybe in 2010 I will have a better attitude about my body falling apart, but I will never like being called "Ma'am."