If I were president

Remember in high school when someone was running for student body president and they would stand up and give a speech to convince people to vote for them with silly promises like “I will put Coke in all the water fountains and outlaw homework.” Well if I were president I would:

Get rid of all Victoria Secret stores. I walk by those windows filled with stripper mannequins donned with lingerie that only Angelina J. and anorexics with silicone implants could pull off and wonder who buys this stuff? Those stores simply should not exist. I wear my standard grey-tinged oversized Hanes T-shirt with matching stretched-out grey elastic-topped polyblend shorts to bed and call it a night. I call for a boycott; we normal women have enough to feel guilty about. Those stores are nothing more than expensive hallowed sanctuaries for men to shop at during Christmas.

Allow gays to marry. Let’s see, the latest statistics show that heterosexuals divorce 50% of the time and at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80% of all marriages, so obviously we know what we are doing in the relationship department. I am so tired of the Republican rightwing idiots that think they have the moral high ground on what it takes to have a fulfilling marriage. You know what it boils down to? FEAR, fear of the unknown. Hey scared weird ultra toxic religious judgmental person, have you ever spent time with the gays? No? Here’s an idea, get to know a few of them, they don’t bite and they breathe oxygen just like you and me.

Change the 8 hour work day. What brainpan came up with the idea that a work day should be 8 hours long? Even if I were doing things I love for 8 hours (i.e. searching pop culture websites, adorning Fatness with household items) I would get tired of it. I would immediately change it to a 4 hour work day; this would ensure people to work faster and harder to get everything done right? I am brilliant.

09-11-2007 09;31;50AM
Outlaw video games. I loathe them, period. No, it’s not because I suck at them it’s because they are a mammoth waste of time and money and they are the reason our children today are lazy and chubby and have the I.Q.’s of a potato. Seriously people with young children, don’t let them play these cultish games! I lost Griffin 17 years ago to Nintendo, the first time I saw his eyes glaze over and pass up snack time I knew he had left me for the world of Mario. He could have a doctorate by now if he had wisely used the same amount of time studying. I wouldn’t be surprised to find a Sony Playstation in the childhood bedroom of Jeffrey Dahmer. These games are sheer evil and they have become a rite of passage for the male toddler, where else can they learn to pick up hookers and steal cars without joining a gang? Let’s get our children off the floor with their dazed Charles Manson clan stare and back to reading and freeze tag.

There you have it, my campaign promises. I may not win but at least I will get the gay vote.


Erica said...

lol lol, a very good campaign. I have to disagree with the video game ridicule though. Griffin and I probably wouldn't even have a relationship, seeing how most of it is based on the several years we spent playing playstation together. He always made me play the scary parts on Resident Evil. And, I heart Mario. Always have, always will.

Victorias Secret is cheaply made and overrated. And yet I still buy their Pink Brand thongs.

Michelle said...

If you call a relationship sitting side by side for hours at a time never talking only arguing and watching a moving t.v. screen...wait a sec...

Allison said...

Good campaign platform. I especially love how you took the right wing to task over gay marriage.

Video games can be a fun diversion - or actually the game consoles, need to have a computer chip in them that turns them off after 1 hour use each day (or whatever time allowance you, as president, or the bigger 'you' as in parents) see fit!

But you're right Michelle - I mean how many kids build forts any more? Or play kick the can until their parents are telling them it's past their bed time, or spend the summer reading as many books as they can get their hands on?

Anonymous said...

Amen to all of this. A 4 hour work day is brilliant. Remember in Office Space when he says he only really works 15 minutes a day???

I really agree with video games being outlawed or seriously monitored. Or make them more educational? Can I say the same about most electronic devices like texting and TV...uh oh...

Can you also mandate the use of Norplant unless you pass and IQ test and a parenting class? Does that sound creepy and invasive?

Don't get me started on VS. Their stuff always falls apart. And who even invented the thong??? They are EVIL and uncomfortable.

...my worthless 2 cents.


PA-lurker said...

Those damned homosexuals and their gay agenda! First they want to be treated the same as everyone else and now they want to get married?! What's next? Marrying a man and a horse? According to Santorum: “If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual (gay) sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything.”
Hard to believe that Santorum lost his Senate race. I'm voting for Michelle next time.